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various ramblings  That may have seemed overblown. Remember that poetry is poetry, though. It is, at least for me, fictive in nature, though I bear the scars that attest to...[fill in the blank here, because I dare not]. Like today, when I went to bed at about 0445 and was up about 2 hours later due dreams that remind me more than anything else of books and stories by Philip K. Dick. Reality is fictive in nature, for that matter, because it is bound by lingual definitions thereof. I continue with the game Runes of Magic--a guild leader, through what seems to me at least happenstance. Certainly the person who left me in that position had no expectations I'd succeed. It is odd too how much that guild means (at least for a while) to a lot of participants. But then there's the possibility of intercommunication without any of the concomitant responsibilities of reality; no children, no legacies of pain and lent meaning. This also allows me an arena to examine some of the possibilities of social relationships; more and more I am coming to accept the hypothesis presented in Stanislaw Lem's The Invincible; there are only a few kinds of protocols allowable between components of a society, and even those who feel in charge in fact aren't. Thus responsibility depends upon definition by exclusion most heavily of all, even though it is translated as blame by the media in its various appearances--and religion becomes in a real way nothing more than a kind of media in the ages before newspapers and then television. --Glenn i have learned silence too well, i think, i nearly no longer can speak i observe and see my thoughts' echoes like some struck drumhead's centered vibrations. i have learned silence, i say but none hears me as i do not move i do not speak. i hear there will be release, someday, and wonder what it could be. and in these slowed shadows i try to remember your name (as i die through lack of speech) the naught i know and name has prisoned me, and thus i long for freedom though knowing life imprisonment Current mood: silent. I've been playing that game. Partially because of these catastrophic events that keep occurring, the latest being my wife's layoff. I'm in steadily worse physical condition. The Ehlers Danlos Syndrome thing ... my right shoulder just dislocated night before last. I can't sit or stand too long. She's managed to keep her job partially because of my medical condition. We have an electric shut off notice. My income is fixed. I have no credit cards. I just don't know what to say. --Glenn The pain has grown much worse. I'm on methadone now, and wondering how much longer I'll be able to walk. I was simply delighted by the doctor's response, even though I knew what it would be. Am I drug dependent? quite certainly. And by people who despise prescribing pain pills. I hate this. g I have been playing consistently--my wife would make that addictively--on Runes of Magic. It would actually be a bit surprising if I didn't. I liked Diablo very well; this gives a chance of interaction with others and even of limiting it. I'm also increasingly housebound. The way the VA doctor (to paraphrase) put it was, "You know how old people wear their joints out? Well, [I don't recall whether he used first or last name], yours just wore out sooner. There really is nothing to do." I really have been walking around with a separated right shoulder for thirty years. The RoM (a massively multiplayer role playing game or something of the sort; lots of people, various roles) helps me to block out the pain by having something else to concentrate on. I actually am still thinking about philosophy, although that actually isn't the correct name to call it. It is indeed a theory of knowledge, and one of the primary components is that language per se is at best misleading because of some intrinsic characteristics. The game even allows observation of some of this in action. I went from playing the game (a bit long every day, but I've read every book in the house more than once [that I will read, I mean]) and casually searching for a 'guild'...to joining one and being 'senior officer'....to logging on one day and finding out that I was the only officer and if I didn't just take over the guild would collapse. The eventual idea is PvP, rather than Player versus Environment--duels and guild wars, to a great extent practice for another server. It takes a long time to advance in levels rather quickly--it's complicated enough not to try to explain to a non-existent audience or a limited audience with more limited interest (the latter quite understandably). The first character I kept is a rogue/mage. A search for rom or Runes of Magic will find it; I'm on the Govinda server, my characters there are Nryven (from a series of C. H. Cherryh novels) and Riant. The guild's name is Unity... What it's doing is keeping things going for me. It also allows me not to think about the bit with the VA. They're searching for any possible reason to turn me down. The fellow who did the preliminary questioning was a specialist for 5 states--a specialist at turning people down, who gets a percentage of each successful(ly turned down) case. Did he tell me that? no. Do I know how that particular system works? yes. [Was I in a lot of trouble as a kid? Right. I went to friggin' Sunday school until I joined. Shoes worn for ten years, for that good old homey look; a cultivated manner of fatherly friendliness. Provoked by the very thought of me having a degree in psychology. I think I will stop writing this and watch television until I go to bed. The anger that I feel rising in me is that identical to the very thought of having been adjudged a criminal for having a seizure while driving, although I was taking my prescription drugs--with a clear undercurrent of suspicion that I simply must have been using crank/crystal meth...you know, those inaccurate blood tests. Enough.] Lady T., sounds like you're doing fairly well. Laura, I have a consistent inability to easily comment in your blog--a loop that unless I remember to log into LiveJournal first will wipe out the damned comment and often even make me logoff the browser and start over. My regards to all. --Glenn hipoppy birthday... --Glenn Current mood: other. Not that I'm wise. It appears I've only been playing that online game a bit more than a month, actually. Interesting. Rather absorbing game. It was also a totally new venue for me, because the controls were keyboard-based almost entirely (even more so than Diablo), which meant learning a new reaction set. The most interesting part of this is that it implies that I'll be bored with the game by the end of the year, most likely. Except of course there is the PvP (player vs. player) server, and the game also involves 'learning' various crafts. (That's actually required for some skills. The theme of the game, naturally, is killing. What else would be interesting to humans? Gardening in virtual life? And there is always 'The Sims'.) Anyway, I do still exist. And, the initial fascination having worn off, on the days not the best way of all to fight the pain, I'll be back to my more usual habits of reading, blithering and blathering. --Glenn Fairly addictive "MMPORG" or whatever it is. Sort of like WoW but free. --Glenn Current mood: blurry. is really a big one. I have about 200 meg to go, then I'll actually talk about it. --Glenn Over the weekend, I compared my skin to Rose's. I've done it before half-consciously. This time I realized. I'm not actually totally white. Thank god. That was the one thing I truly hated about myself all these years. The cast of skin is reddish. Bear in mind that I have so many recessives that are dominant for me I'm actually fairly strange (my hair is about half the diameter of the average human hair; how about that?). The PTSD I've mentioned over the years comes from this, precisely. I had noticed that other students were really slow. Other people, I should say. They read really slowly, about a tenth as fast as I could if they were really fast readers. I used to do my homework in 15 minutes in honor study hall (that meant I could get an extra one or two because there weren't enough subjects up my line of thought). The tests I took in high school that were standard at the time indicated I was college-ready about the time I entered high school in terms of knowledge. My adopted mother wouldn't allow it to happen, to answer the unasked question. I needed to gain social skills or whatever the fuck. At about the time the teachers couldn't understand me (entering junior year) I was getting a little worried. So in senior year I took the Stanford-Binet the only way I could--apply to join the Navy. I got a perfect score, which was impossible. The environment I lived in was unutterably repressive, I might add (and the discovery that I'm not quite white gives a whole new complexion to the way I was treated). And I entered the Navy, and they treated me as if it were impossible. I was offered SEAL training, Annapolis--when I got out I was offered two years on the "oceanographic" Navy vessel--civvies, which means plain clothes, and probably no military haircut--and choice of duty thereafter for six years. Probably. I would end up as an analyst at JCS. While I was in I offered opinion on RAND corp studies, most especially those involving the Far East. And when I got out, I knew basically how the world was run, and by whom. I knew I would be followed for up to eight years. Some of the knowledge I had (knowledge in terms of those RAND studies) has finally reached its end-point. I chose to be poor and honest. And although I have often said otherwise--given the same choice to make again--I would have to make it. --Glenn |
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