Current mood:

weird

a short note
And I've passed again from constant agony to merely constant pain. That sounds even to me like an exaggeration; evidently no one who can see me would doubt it, it shows. I'm third generation military (though I'd sense to get out), after all; "Big boys don't cry" predates speech, at least practically. The first seizure that caused a hospital visit...involved me crawling from front to back in a mid-size car. I couldn't figure out how to get out. (This was a seizure. I'm relying on others' descriptions. Asking me for a rationale would be worse than senseless.) Combine this with the disease that's making the cartilage in my back disappear, and I've been in constant pain--agony, in fact--for something like three months. Now it's just severe pain. If 10 is you have to make it stop including suicide...recently, my mother fell down and I tried to pick her up...while I was doing so, she relaxed (dead weight, dig?). Recently. I guess it was about 3 weeks ago. And the pain was 10 until yesterday...my doctor won't prescribe morphine. Yet. I think he was shaken by the pain I was displaying (I think that because of how my wife and his nurse were reacting; my wife spent the weekend away).

...At least I've a dependable friend. Maybe there will be some days where the first half hour or hour is just pain, like around the '3' level (where 0 would be no pain). Right now, if I return to my previous condition, I'll be living at 5--now, just now, is 7 or 8. The Vicodin help, and I have enough that I can abuse them temporarily and I most likely will. (The major problem vertebrae in my lower back just popped back into place. There will be about 24 hours of dealing with associated bruising and avoiding muscle spasms. Because I did it instead of a chiropracor or orthopaedic physician, I can pretty well control muscle spasms.)

And this can't last forever. The pain does worsen every day, when I'm not dealing with injuries. A tiny increment. Like being on a roof and barely hanging on, friction against the asbestos or something; you slowly slide down and unless something happens, you're going to slide all the way and fall. I'm so tired of fucking pain.

--How long has it been?1985. Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.

--Glenn