various ramblings

random entries

2009-08-26T14:04:04Z

That may have seemed overblown. Remember that poetry is poetry, though. It is, at least for me, fictive in nature, though I bear the scars that attest to...[fill in the blank here, because I dare not]. Like today, when I went to bed at about 0445 and was up about 2 hours later due dreams that remind me more than anything else of books and stories by Philip K. Dick. Reality is fictive in nature, for that matter, because it is bound by lingual definitions thereof. I continue with the game Runes of Magic--a guild leader, through what seems to me at least happenstance. Certainly the person who left me in that position had no expectations I'd succeed. It is odd too how much that guild means (at least for a while) to a lot of participants. But then there's the possibility of intercommunication without any of the concomitant responsibilities of reality; no children, no legacies of pain and lent meaning. This also allows me an arena to examine some of the possibilities of social relationships; more and more I am coming to accept the hypothesis presented in Stanislaw Lem's The Invincible; there are only a few kinds of protocols allowable between components of a society, and even those who feel in charge in fact aren't. Thus responsibility depends upon definition by exclusion most heavily of all, even though it is translated as blame by the media in its various appearances--and religion becomes in a real way nothing more than a kind of media in the ages before newspapers and then television.
--Glenn

truth and salvation

2009-08-25T07:00:39Z

i have learned silence
too well, i think, i
nearly no longer can speak

i observe
and see my thoughts' echoes
like some struck drumhead's
centered vibrations.

i
have learned silence, i say
but none hears me
as i do not move
i do not speak.

i hear there will be
release, someday,
and wonder what it could be.

and in these slowed shadows
i try to remember your name
(as i die through lack of speech)

the naught i know and name
has prisoned me, and thus
i long for freedom
though knowing life imprisonment

finally, a new post...

2009-08-10T18:01:28Z

I've been playing that game. Partially because of these catastrophic events that keep occurring, the latest being my wife's layoff. I'm in steadily worse physical condition. The Ehlers Danlos Syndrome thing ... my right shoulder just dislocated night before last. I can't sit or stand too long. She's managed to keep her job partially because of my medical condition. We have an electric shut off notice. My income is fixed. I have no credit cards. I just don't know what to say.
--Glenn

Runes of Magic...and (slightly, for my online) decreased availability

2009-06-25T06:22:00Z

The pain has grown much worse. I'm on methadone now, and wondering how much longer I'll be able to walk. I was simply delighted by the doctor's response, even though I knew what it would be. Am I drug dependent? quite certainly. And by people who despise prescribing pain pills. I hate this.
g

a probably overdue post...

2009-06-23T07:18:45Z

I have been playing consistently--my wife would make that addictively--on Runes of Magic. It would actually be a bit surprising if I didn't. I liked Diablo very well; this gives a chance of interaction with others and even of limiting it. I'm also increasingly housebound. The way the VA doctor (to paraphrase) put it was, "You know how old people wear their joints out? Well, [I don't recall whether he used first or last name], yours just wore out sooner. There really is nothing to do."

I really have been walking around with a separated right shoulder for thirty years. The RoM (a massively multiplayer role playing game or something of the sort; lots of people, various roles) helps me to block out the pain by having something else to concentrate on. I actually am still thinking about philosophy, although that actually isn't the correct name to call it. It is indeed a theory of knowledge, and one of the primary components is that language per se is at best misleading because of some intrinsic characteristics. The game even allows observation of some of this in action.

I went from playing the game (a bit long every day, but I've read every book in the house more than once [that I will read, I mean]) and casually searching for a 'guild'...to joining one and being 'senior officer'....to logging on one day and finding out that I was the only officer and if I didn't just take over the guild would collapse. The eventual idea is PvP, rather than Player versus Environment--duels and guild wars, to a great extent practice for another server. It takes a long time to advance in levels rather quickly--it's complicated enough not to try to explain to a non-existent audience or a limited audience with more limited interest (the latter quite understandably). The first character I kept is a rogue/mage. A search for rom or Runes of Magic will find it; I'm on the Govinda server, my characters there are Nryven (from a series of C. H. Cherryh novels) and Riant. The guild's name is Unity...

What it's doing is keeping things going for me. It also allows me not to think about the bit with the VA. They're searching for any possible reason to turn me down. The fellow who did the preliminary questioning was a specialist for 5 states--a specialist at turning people down, who gets a percentage of each successful(ly turned down) case. Did he tell me that? no. Do I know how that particular system works? yes. [Was I in a lot of trouble as a kid? Right. I went to friggin' Sunday school until I joined. Shoes worn for ten years, for that good old homey look; a cultivated manner of fatherly friendliness. Provoked by the very thought of me having a degree in psychology. I think I will stop writing this and watch television until I go to bed. The anger that I feel rising in me is that identical to the very thought of having been adjudged a criminal for having a seizure while driving, although I was taking my prescription drugs--with a clear undercurrent of suspicion that I simply must have been using crank/crystal meth...you know, those inaccurate blood tests. Enough.]

Lady T., sounds like you're doing fairly well. Laura, I have a consistent inability to easily comment in your blog--a loop that unless I remember to log into LiveJournal first will wipe out the damned comment and often even make me logoff the browser and start over.

My regards to all.
--Glenn

for that other writing online type of girl

2009-06-11T17:12:46Z

hipoppy birthday...
--Glenn

A New Month (entry wise)

2009-05-26T20:47:32Z

Not that I'm wise. It appears I've only been playing that online game a bit more than a month, actually. Interesting. Rather absorbing game. It was also a totally new venue for me, because the controls were keyboard-based almost entirely (even more so than Diablo), which meant learning a new reaction set. The most interesting part of this is that it implies that I'll be bored with the game by the end of the year, most likely. Except of course there is the PvP (player vs. player) server, and the game also involves 'learning' various crafts. (That's actually required for some skills. The theme of the game, naturally, is killing. What else would be interesting to humans? Gardening in virtual life? And there is always 'The Sims'.)

Anyway, I do still exist. And, the initial fascination having worn off, on the days not the best way of all to fight the pain, I'll be back to my more usual habits of reading, blithering and blathering.
--Glenn

Runes of Magic

2009-04-23T18:45:38Z

Fairly addictive "MMPORG" or whatever it is. Sort of like WoW but free.
--Glenn

A 4 gig download

2009-04-20T21:10:29Z

is really a big one. I have about 200 meg to go, then I'll actually talk about it.
--Glenn

a realization

2009-04-20T20:14:33Z

Over the weekend, I compared my skin to Rose's. I've done it before half-consciously. This time I realized. I'm not actually totally white. Thank god. That was the one thing I truly hated about myself all these years. The cast of skin is reddish. Bear in mind that I have so many recessives that are dominant for me I'm actually fairly strange (my hair is about half the diameter of the average human hair; how about that?).

The PTSD I've mentioned over the years comes from this, precisely. I had noticed that other students were really slow. Other people, I should say. They read really slowly, about a tenth as fast as I could if they were really fast readers. I used to do my homework in 15 minutes in honor study hall (that meant I could get an extra one or two because there weren't enough subjects up my line of thought). The tests I took in high school that were standard at the time indicated I was college-ready about the time I entered high school in terms of knowledge. My adopted mother wouldn't allow it to happen, to answer the unasked question. I needed to gain social skills or whatever the fuck.

At about the time the teachers couldn't understand me (entering junior year) I was getting a little worried. So in senior year I took the Stanford-Binet the only way I could--apply to join the Navy. I got a perfect score, which was impossible. The environment I lived in was unutterably repressive, I might add (and the discovery that I'm not quite white gives a whole new complexion to the way I was treated).

And I entered the Navy, and they treated me as if it were impossible. I was offered SEAL training, Annapolis--when I got out I was offered two years on the "oceanographic" Navy vessel--civvies, which means plain clothes, and probably no military haircut--and choice of duty thereafter for six years. Probably. I would end up as an analyst at JCS. While I was in I offered opinion on RAND corp studies, most especially those involving the Far East.

And when I got out, I knew basically how the world was run, and by whom. I knew I would be followed for up to eight years. Some of the knowledge I had (knowledge in terms of those RAND studies) has finally reached its end-point. I chose to be poor and honest. And although I have often said otherwise--given the same choice to make again--I would have to make it.
--Glenn

connections

2009-04-19T01:31:32Z

I'll not claim correctness on this, much less firm correctness*. It merely comes from experience. Hell, I've probably even repeated it ad naueseum.

Anyway, it goes like this. Friendship and love can mix just fine. Friendship and sex can work, but I've only seen it in the very short term (I might have managed it for an hour or two). Love and sex are fireworks; brilliant flash, unforgettable, and a permanent hole in the vision. All three is a drunk one night stand that both want to forget and ruins a friendship. Friendship or love can work standalone, all by themselves. Sex by itself is mutual masturbation.

The Magus by John Fowles is quite penetrating at least about men. One-upsmanship and all that. "Closure" indeed; generally it's gloating, tatting up the points, a sort of analog World of Warcraft (I've seen portions of a couple of episodes of Scrubs that looked like they were pretty good descriptions).
--Glenn
*"Firm correctness" is not suitable for the obvious pun. Really. After all, all zen masters were dead serious, right?

no one

2009-04-18T19:53:55Z

I mean no one, does a download that is going to last more than a day. Admitted, it shouldn't. Whatever. And no comments about hearting nerds, whatever that means. It sounds squishy.
--Glenn

mmmorpfgmblgk

2009-04-18T18:37:14Z

Or whatever. You know. Like Diablo, or World of Warcraft. This was actually what brought on the attack of Hatred of Acronyms Disorder (HAD, of course). It's a four-meg download--the one I'm talking about now--and I won't discuss where the download is. I don't feel like shooting myself in the foot. It is actually a free one, but with cool gadgets for sale. Pardon me, fourgig download. You know, tiny one, like about four thousand megabytes. (Not, for the record, megabits.)

Ever wondered why I don't try to acronymize Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome? now you know. Acronyms give me a rising impulse, steadily more uncontrollable, [I really did edit this, because some jokes aren't taken as jokes] to deface the local police station with graffiti, mid-day. Or something similarly smart. I learned to hate acronyms in the military.
--Glenn

real-world driving tests? what will they think of next?

2009-04-18T16:04:29Z

This will indeed freak some people out. There's going to be a real driving test. Hopefully this will include the mandatory certification tests for the elderly. A real-world test is going to be better. Ideally it would include pedestrians throwing themselves in front of vehicles; vehicles flagrantly violating all rules of law, safety and reason; emergency vehicles--and simply the unexpected. Especially the police officer with an attitude. I suppose that would be taking it a bit too far. Maybe we should be thinking in different directions. One of the Supreme Justices was talking about a car being a privilege (driving and possessing one, rather). He should try getting food at a bargain without a car. At least in this valley, transportation for the handicapped is so fraught with requirements you basically can't shop (and don't forget you can't shop for too much at a time). Better than that, let him walk home with his dinner or better his savings, and do it on a minimal income. He doesn't represent the people. I suppose what he represents and intends to represent is his idea of the rightness of things. Perhaps he drapes nude statues in his spare time.

--Glenn

My back really, really hurts; in the way that reminds me I won't be walking for all that long. Pardon me for the attitude, and admire my lack of foul language.

LAN chats and file transfers

2009-04-18T13:03:46Z

This can be a frustrating subject, particularly when working with two operating systems. Or like I did when one wireless technology was going out and the other phasing in (which come to think of it has been the rule--sort of like Google and everything they produce being forever in beta, like Chrome). To do an actual physical file transfer on a working network somehow adds insult to injury. The program I am going to recommend is in no way recommended for business use. For one thing, I haven't used it for long enough, and from all I can tell there's no separate log-in procedure. It could be argued that log-in to the network obviates that, but drive-by and the whole mentality negates that comfortable and easy assumption.

What I'm talking about is BORG chat. Easy search results. Small file, couple of megabytes. XP and Vista compatible, which means it's compatible to Windows 2000 and will be to Windows 7. If you have anything older you're asking for trouble. You can't run some of the programs necessary to ensure your safety--pardon me, the safety of your data; we have indeed become cybernetic citizens willy-nilly.

Or Home page: http://borgchat.softnews.ro/
if you want to get picky about it.
--Glenn

MFA

2009-04-18T01:04:28Z

This is a growing problem in our country. I think we should form a political part to stamp it out. http://oregonnerd.wordpress.com/2009/04/17/mfa-extreme-new-problem/

The Theme Song of The Elderly Driver

2009-04-17T04:43:01Z

(Who really shouldn't be driving any more.)
"I did it...my way..."
--Glenn

hair club for men

2009-04-17T00:11:53Z

Does this mean women's hair gets lonely?
--Glenn

once

2009-04-16T19:19:10Z

http://ladytairngire.livejournal.com/303657.html
1. Gene Wolfe.
2. Just f'in write it.
3. Remembering Vietnam--more precisely, what the patterns I was allowed access to...allowed as conclusions.
4. Neither. Although stupid ignorant ones are most likely to do the most damage.
5. Epilepsy.

Which is it for such explorations of the soul and psyche.
g

and again

2009-04-15T21:43:59Z

I muse: what odd creatures. Even odder is the occasional revelation that we make as little sense to them as they do to us.

Incidentally, the "hippie" doesn't abide by the rule book. So technically, you know, he's not really a hippie. More like a yuppie or a tortoise with hair; you know, one of the weird things. Sort of like that new category they invented, "UWS". Unidentified Weird Shit. You know, like the Republicans becoming the party for change after having been in office for 8 years. Or the big news being Lichtenstein and Switzerland having lost security, when the big money started moving to the Virgin Islands and a couple of other places about ten years ago. Or...never mind. I believe. Really I do. I just can't figure what in.
--Glenn

I think I remember doing something like this...

2009-04-15T19:51:32Z

http://oregonnerd.wordpress.com/2009/04/12/you-mean/

...it's just another blog entry. You know, in the unholy place and all that.
--Glenn

Odd question...

2009-04-14T18:24:10Z

there is no shared etymology between condoms and condominiums, is there?
--Glenn

Well,

2009-04-14T18:21:46Z

at least I don't look like this. ...Do I?
--Glenn
(hopefully I have actually figured out the link function)

step one

2009-04-14T00:47:46Z

I've mentioned Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome now and again. I was just prescribed a--pardon me, no "a"--ankle braces during every fucking waking moment. It was by a chiropractor, but I could get it either from an orthopaedic physician or an osteopathologist (the disease fits under both). I've actually known I had a permanent sprained ankle (left). Didn't know how bad it was. Didn't know pain could still make me scream, to be honest--I'd dislocated the front of my left foot, and she "put it back into place". Looks like stronger pain pills soon, little as I want them. Odd, that. Most of my generation and general habit and appearance ("hippies", if you will) would love such a prescription. For me, it's just another signpost on the way down. Christine quietly cussed me out for not seeing her often enough (understanding, I suppose, that a part of it--what keeps me away, I mean--is guilt: the visits are free).

Pardon me for the language. Guess I'm just a trifle tired of constant pain.
--Glenn

I'm sick, I tell you, sick!

2009-04-10T23:54:34Z

...Oh. You already knew that. But I meant like flu-wise. Flue-wise. Whatever.
--Glenn